Beyond Behaviour
Why We Need to Rethink Behavioural Approaches for Neurodivergent Children
The school year has started again, and many parents are noticing changes in their child’s behaviour. Maybe your once easy-going child is suddenly having more meltdowns. Maybe they’re refusing to go to school, lashing out, or seem more withdrawn than usual.
Transitions can be hard, new teachers, new classrooms, new expectations. For neurodivergent children, these changes can be overwhelming, leading to behaviours that might seem “challenging” at first glance. If a child is expressing distress; they are crying, kicking, maybe even throwing things. The response? Time-outs, sticker charts, consequences. A focus on “fixing” the behaviour rather than understanding it.
But what if we’ve been looking at this all wrong?
For years, behavioural approaches have been the default when it comes to supporting neurodivergent children with behavioural differences. The emphasis is on managing, modifying, or extinguishing behaviours through reinforcement or punishment. The goal? Compliance.
But here’s the problem, behaviour is communication. And when we focus only on the behaviour itself, we miss the deeper message underneath and a missed opportunity for connection!
The Downfalls of Behavioural Approaches
When we rely on traditional behavioural strategies; rewards, punishments, or rigid expectations, we run into several issues:
It ignores the root cause
A meltdown isn’t a child being “defiant.” It’s often a sign of distress; overstimulation, fatigue, anxiety, frustration, or difficulty processing emotions. Addressing the surface-level behaviour without exploring why it’s happening means we don’t actually help the child in the long run.
It prioritises compliance over self-understanding
If a child learns, they only receive praise, when they suppress their emotions, they may bottle up feelings rather than develop emotional regulation. This can lead to long-term difficulties with self-expression and coping.
It can damage trust and self-esteem
Constant correction can make a child feel misunderstood, ashamed, or unworthy. Instead of learning that their emotions are valid, they might believe they are “too much” or “not good enough.”
What should we be doing instead? Shifting Our Perspective, Instead of ‘Fixing’ Them: Understanding Behaviour as Communication
Rather than trying to stop or modify behaviours, we need to decode them. What is the child trying to tell us? What unmet need is driving the behaviour?
- When a neurodivergent child is struggling, ask yourself:
- Are they overwhelmed by noise, lights, or too much input (sensory overload)?
- Are they tired, hungry, or physically uncomfortable?
- Are they struggling with transitions or changes in routine?
- Are they anxious, frustrated, or feeling unsafe?
- Are they lacking the words or tools to express their emotions?
Once we start asking these questions, we can meet them where they are rather than forcing them into compliance.
Here are Few Strategies for Supporting Neurodivergent Children:
Regulate before you educate
When a child is in distress, they are not in a place to “learn a lesson.” First, help them feel safe and calm, through co-regulation, quiet spaces, or sensory tools.
Identify patterns
Keep track of what triggers distress. Does it happen in noisy environments? During transitions? After school? Understanding patterns helps prevent distress before it escalates.
Offer alternatives, not punishments
Alternatives to, “stop yelling,” try, “I see you’re upset. Do you want to squeeze this pillow or take deep breaths?”
Support sensory needs
Noise-cancelling headphones, fidget tools, movement breaks, these aren’t “crutches.” They are essential tools that help neurodivergent children navigate a world not designed for them.
Validate emotions
Instead of dismissing feelings, acknowledge them. “I see that you’re really frustrated. It’s okay to feel that way. Let’s figure out what might help.”
Teach emotional literacy
Give children words and tools to express themselves, emotion charts, social stories, and role-playing can help them communicate in a way that feels safe.
Adjust expectations
Sometimes, we need to shift our own thinking. A child struggling in a noisy, chaotic setting doesn’t need to “learn to cope.” They need an environment that supports them.
Expectations in Education
Schools often rely on behaviour management systems that focus on compliance; think reward charts, detentions, and rigid discipline policies. While these methods may seem effective in the short term, they fail to address the underlying needs of neurodivergent students.
Here are Some Common Challenges in Schools:
Sensory Overload in Classrooms
Bright lights, loud noises, crowded spaces, and unpredictable schedules can be overwhelming. Expecting children to sit still and stay engaged without accommodations can lead to distress and shutdowns.
Rigid Expectations
Many schools have strict behavioural expectations that don’t account for neurodivergent experiences. A child who struggles with transitions, group work, or verbal processing may be unfairly labelled as “difficult.” Are we expecting flexibility from the child that we are not willing to model ourselves!
Misinterpretation of Behaviour
A child who refuses to make eye contact, stims, or needs to move around isn’t being disrespectful, they are self-regulating. Its imperative schools shift from seeing these behaviours as disruptions to recognising them as necessary coping mechanisms.
Lack of Emotional and Sensory Support
Many schools are not appropriately equipped with sensory-friendly spaces, alternative learning environments, or staff trained in neuro-affirming approaches. Without these supports, students are likely to struggle in an environment that doesn’t accommodate their needs. A large part of this can also be due to lack of funding available to schools.
As a Parent Here are Few Strategies for a More Inclusive School Environment you can Advocate for:
Create Sensory-Friendly Classrooms
Provide flexible seating, quiet corners, fidget tools, and noise-reducing options to help neurodivergent students regulate their environment.
Use Predictable Routines and Visual Supports
Visual schedules, timers, and clear instructions can help students feel more secure and reduce anxiety around transitions.
Rethink Discipline Policies
Instead of punishments, implement restorative approaches that focus on understanding and addressing the root cause of behaviours.
Offer Movement Breaks
Expecting all children to sit still for extended periods is unrealistic. Integrating movement breaks, stretching, and alternative learning styles can enhance engagement and reduce distress.
Train Educators in Neuro-Affirming Approaches
Check if Teachers and staff have essential training on neurodiversity, sensory needs, and communication differences to create a more supportive learning environment.
Encourage Self-Advocacy
Teach students how to recognise their own needs and advocate for accommodations, whether that’s asking for a quiet space or using alternative communication methods.
….So What’s The Takeaway Here
Instead of viewing distress-related behaviours as something to fix, we need to see them as a window into a child’s inner world. Neurodivergent children don’t need to be “trained” into behaving differently, they need understanding, support, and environments that work for them.
When we shift from punishing behaviour to understanding emotions, we empower children to grow, express themselves, and feel safe in their own skin. And that’s the ultimate goal; connection not compliance. Schools play a critical role in this transformation too. By fostering inclusive, compassionate environments, we can help neurodivergent students thrive; not just survive in their educational journey.
Here at Pen plus, we would be honoured to become part of your journey, to support you with all of the above through ‘Capacity Building’ parent sessions, advocate with you for your child at their school. Don’t hesitate to reach out!
Take good care of yourself. Speak again soon!
Kuljit