27th November 2024 

Dear Parents and Caregivers,

How are you? 

Here I am with another blog! Another opportunity to connect with you all! 

Today’s blog is inspired by a heartfelt conversation I recently had with a parent. They were feeling anxious about planning ahead for summer playdates, wondering how to create positive experiences for their neurodivergent child who often struggles in social situations. Their concern was palpable, and I could hear the love and hope in their voice, hope that their child might find joy and connection this summer without feeling overwhelmed. 

Here’s what I asked the parent!  

Is it something that feels like a challenge you’re facing alone: playdates for your neurodivergent child? Their answer: ‘all the time’. If you’ve ever watched your little one struggle to connect with other kids or seen them withdraw into themselves in social settings, you know how deeply it tugs at your heart. It’s a feeling so many parents share, even if we don’t always talk about it. 

“Will they be, okay?” 

It’s a most likely question that lingers in the back of your mind every time a playdate comes up. The truth is, social anxiety isn’t a reflection of failure, it’s often your child’s way of processing a world that feels overwhelming or unpredictable. And as much as it hurts to see them struggle, just know that there’s so much you are already doing to help them feel safe, understood, and supported. What’s important for you to know is that you are not alone in this experience. And if you feel alone then please reach out to our amazing team at Pen Plus, just like that parent!  

Let’s put the spotlight on Naomi Fisher’s work this week. She is a clinical psychologist and expert in neurodiversity, she emphasises that the key lies in understanding and accepting our children’s unique ways of processing the world. So, let’s dive into some heartfelt, practical strategies to help your neurodivergent child navigate playdates with ease and confidence, while respecting their individuality. Because you’re not just helping them make friends, you’re teaching them to embrace who they are. 

Understand Their Unique Lens 

Naomi Fisher highlights that neurodivergent children may process social situations differently. What looks like “resistance” to you might actually be a child’s way of saying, “This feels too much for me.” Recognising their perspective is key! 

For instance, if your child hesitates to join a group activity, it’s not about being antisocial, it’s about protecting themselves from sensory overwhelm or social uncertainty. Approach this with empathy: 

• “I see you’re feeling unsure about playing right now. Would it help to watch for a bit before joining in?” 

This acknowledgment tells your child, I see you, and it’s okay to feel this way. 

Collaborate, Without Pushing 

One of Fisher’s core principles is collaboration. Rather than forcing your child into situations they’re uncomfortable with, involve them in the planning. Ask: 

• “What would make this playdate fun for you?” 

• “Would you like to play outside or stay inside with your favourite toys?” 

This sense of control can ease anxiety and build trust. Side bonus is that this builds their capacity to make choices and take ownership of their experience.  

Balance Challenge with Safety 

Fisher encourages balancing “stretch” experiences with a sense of safety. For a socially anxious child, being around other kids is the stretch. To counterbalance this, create an environment where they feel safe, whether it’s through a familiar setting, a favourite activity, or knowing you’re close by if they need you. 

Avoid Judging Success by Neurotypical Standards 

Fisher reminds us that social success for neurodivergent kids might look different than we expect. Maybe they engage for five minutes before retreating to a sensory corner, or they spend most of the playdate parallel playing instead of interacting directly. 

These moments are not failures. They’re signs your child is engaging at their own pace. Celebrate these as wins: 

• “You played right next to Sam for a while, that was so brave of you!” 

Watch for Emotional Overload 

Sometimes, anxiety builds gradually until it becomes overwhelming. Fisher emphasises the importance of recognising signs of overload, such as irritability, withdrawing, or fidgeting more than usual. 

If you notice these signs, gently step in: 

• “It seems like you might need a break. Let’s sit together for a bit, and you can decide when you’re ready to play again.” 

By stepping in with compassion, you’re teaching your child to honour their limits, a skill that will serve them well as they grow. 

The Role of Reframing 

Fisher encourages reframing how we see social anxiety. Instead of viewing it as a problem to be fixed, see it as a natural response to a world that often isn’t designed for neurodivergent minds. 

When you shift your perspective, you model self-acceptance for your child. You might say: 

• “It’s okay to feel nervous about meeting new people. Everyone feels that way sometimes. I’m proud of you for trying!” 

This not only validates their feelings but also helps them see anxiety as something they can work with, not against. 

Debrief After the Playdate 

Reflecting afterward is a powerful tool Fisher recommends. Instead of focusing on what didn’t go well, highlight what your child did accomplish: 

• “You asked Mia if she wanted to colour with you, that was so kind!” 

• “I noticed you told me when you needed a break. That’s really brave of you to listen to yourself.” 

If something was especially challenging, approach it with curiosity: 

• “What part of today felt tricky for you? What could we do differently next time to make it easier?” 

This keeps the focus on growth and makes playdates feel like a learning process rather than a source of stress. 

Empathy Is the Bridge 

Naomi Fisher’s insights remind us that the path from anxiety to empowerment begins with empathy. Parenting a neurodivergent child isn’t about fixing their challenges, it’s about meeting them where they are and walking alongside them, step by step, as they navigate the world in their own way. 

Empathy helps us see social anxiety not as a barrier, but as an opportunity to build resilience, connection, and self-awareness. When we approach playdates with understanding, we give our children the tools to feel safe and supported. This creates a foundation where they can learn, explore, and thrive, at their own pace, in their own unique way. 

Your Child, Your Journey 

Remember: your child doesn’t need to fit into any mould to be successful. They don’t need to perform or act a certain way to make you proud. With your continuous gentle guidance and unconditional love, they can grow into their authentic self, and that’s a success worth celebrating every single day. 

Have playdates been a challenge for your family? What tips or strategies have worked for you? Let’s share and learn together in the comments below. ❤️ 

With love and gratitude, 

Kuljit 

Reference points for this blog: Much of Naomi’s tips and advice can be found in her book “Changing Our Minds: How Children Can Take Control of Their Own Learning”